Resolution

Lately I've been a mess - a tad less than pleasant.  :)  Ok, maybe a little more than a tad.  I'm happy happy happy, then I CRASH!  I'm dancing, then I'm sobbing.  It seems that my dancing times are becoming fewer and fewer.  I've been told I have a plethora of excuses to justify my crankiness, but I don't like excuses.  I just want peace.  I want to treat people the way they should be treated.  I think that's the bottom line.  I don't want my children to grow up and remember that mom was always sad or cranky or disappointed etc.

I'll spare you the pitiful details of all the recent fits and breakdowns I've had to try to figure out "WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME????" -  but I will tell you I think I finally found my solution.  Well, Jay found it.  First, the main reason I've been a turd is because I can't find a moment to think.  I need down time to process and sort out life.  From the moment I peel myself out of bed in the morning to the time I crash at night, there's "noise!"

Jay reminded me the other day that my happiest time in life was when I got up at the crack of dawn and went jogging.  I had alone time to reflect and be outside and even get my muscles working.  He was SO right.  He's always right!  :)

This morning I woke up around 3:00 to feed the baby so I just stayed up.  I straightened up the kitchen and did some laundry and listened to my iPod while waiting for daylight.  As soon as the light came I hit the road. I started with an "exercise" mindset.  I put on my "dance" playlist and tried to jog.  That was funny - not really!  I carried on for a few songs then decided to listen to some of the new tunes I have.

You see, my friend, Kim "Mama P" Peacemaker, sent me home with a trunk load of her favorite Christian music the other day.  After coaching me through an emotional breakdown on the phone, she thought I would appreciate having some of these songs.  She was right!

While I was walking and listening to music I started feeling a sense of freedom and peace.  My mind started wandering from place to place.  First I realized that I've been taking life way too seriously lately.  My life has been a job.  :(  I'm so busy trying to make it all work, it has been ALL WORK.  I haven't stopped to enjoy much.  At that moment I felt my pinched up face soften and I even began to smell the crisp morning country air!  I also decided to quit caring about jogging vs. walking and being disappointed in my physical condition and just enjoy that I was outside and moving!  It felt so good!  

The next thought that popped into my head was how in the world could God possibly know little old me?  [Me and my deep thoughts!]  Do I really matter in the big scheme of things!  I know in my heart what the truth is but sometimes my stinkin' head needs lots of convincing.  My  mind shifted to a video I watched last night at Ma and Pa's.  Jay's cousin shot this video in 1989 of his beloved grandpa and grandma Dancer.  I had the pleasure of meeting them in 1991 and I remember the warm feeling in the family, but I never had a chance to get to know them.  Watching the video was amazing!  I got a little glimpse into Jay's childhood and can really understand now why he speaks of them so fondly.  

The reason my mind went to the video, was because since watching it I'm even more in awe of the way they treated their children and grandchildren.  They had 9 children, 34 grandchildren and hundreds of great grandchildren - and every single one of them thought they were the one and only...and the favorite!  Ray and Alice loved all their babies so much!  They knew each one intimately.  Grandma Alice even took the time to hand stitch each of them Christmas and birthday gifts.  We still have a few of Jay's little coats and shirts and even one from Grandpa when he was a boy!  They were warm, kind, soft spoken and incredible loving people.  They just loved!  They are a beautiful example of God's love.  My heart is always searching for examples so this blessed me so much.

As I was thinking about all this a new song came on.  I've never heard it before but I'll definitely listen to it again....and again.  It's called "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns.  I think it was a heaven kiss.  :) [I like to think that God sends me little kisses like this to let me know He's there and He's listening]

With my fresh mind and renewed spirit I carried on down the road and the "sun ball" came out to play!  All the pasture grass, the hills, the ponds, the mountains....were illuminated and gorgeous!  I'm convinced it was hand stitched just for little old me!  :)