Resolution

I’ve been working – for a long time – on writing about depression, anxiety and the grumpies!  I actually got about ¾ through my post and a pretty goofy thing happened.  I’ll explain!

First I’ll condense my large “the grumpies” essay into a short story.   Here’s my big revelation! 

To sum it up, I spent part of my summer living with anxiety (or something like it).  I was confused, frustrated, discomboooobulated J, disorganized, crazy, sad….you name, I felt it!  This was until the fine day that I found myself bawling to God in the shower (yes, my ever faithful healing waters!) begging Him to change me!!!  Once again He whipped out the 2x4 and gave me a wake-up call!  I discovered I had been spinning my wheels trying to change the unchangeable in my life – the unchangeable in me!  My thoughts consisted of a whole lotta “if only…” and “someday, when…!”  My biggest unchangeable frustrations with myself were/are my sensitivity and desire to create order and plans.  My biggest frustrations with my life were/are the zillions of opportunities to be emotional and the lack of opportunity to create order and plans!  J  I also struggle with wishing I could change my sins of the past.  Of course that's a waste of time!

I'm sure this all sounds very cliche, and I've heard it a million times myself, but I guess it takes that special 2x4 moment to just make it sink in!  And there I was...that blessed day that I REALLY finally realized that God created me exactly the way I should be - the way He wanted to.  He knew what I’d need before I ever needed it.  I came fully equipped and I’ve been begging Him to do the things He built ME to do!  Not only was I begging Him to swoop down and take care of my tasks for me, but I was also begging Him to remove my strengths.  Cuz afterall, the biggest weaknesses turn out to also be the biggest strengths!

I am in NO WAY saying I don’t need God!  I’m saying, I finally understand that my unchangeable personality – though it drives me nuts at times – was designed by God for a reason.  I need to embrace it and plan accordingly (ßthere I go again) to make this the best life possible!  Instead of praying to change, I need to constantly pray for virtue!  LOTS of virtue!  Virtue that will help me make the right CHOICES.  My choices are the only things in life I can control.  I don’t own much…God owns all that’s good.  He owns my gifts and strengths and life.  I own my choices.  When those choices are in line with His will, He lets me bask in the joy of His glory.

“It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.” Proverbs 25:2

So, since that day this summer, I’ve been marinating in these thoughts.  Plugging along, praying!  Because of the “me that I am” J I need to write things down to make them stick – which is why I journal, and why I wanted to write “the grumpies” post.  Fast forward to yesterday!

Yesterday I turned thirty-six!  A strange thought crossed my mind in the morning.  The word “resolution” popped into my mind.  I usually give these things a try (and fail) for the new year, or on a Monday, or on the first of the month :), but this is the first time a birthday resolution has ever crossed my mind.  I'm not thinking diet etc., I'm thinking about promises to myself to resolve the issues that steal my joy!

So this idea kept popping in my head all morning. Then a friend on facebook wished me a happy birthday and said “here’s to a spectacular new year!”  Then Jay gave me a gift.  It’s a new book – one I’ve never even heard of!  Guess what it’s called…The Resolution!  Guess what it’s about?  Yep, exactly the thoughts I’ve been marinating in for months!  Guess how it starts?

“This is going to be a good year for you, my friend.  Thirty-six is a great age.”

I think I’m supposed to read this book!  I can’t wait to journal through it.  I hope some of my thoughts and experiences that I share can be of value to others.

Love to you all!!!