If I'm going to suffer

I’m going to do it with purpose.  “Offer it up,” that’s what the Catholics say.   This means, Lord, please use my suffering to help somebody else and make good come from this situation.  Hopefully that’s what I can do right now.

Lately, and throughout different times in my life, I’ve dealt with depression.  It’s not fun to talk about.  It’s very personal and it feels pretty shameful.  But if talking about my situation will help somebody else, even in a small way, then this is worth it.

I’m not sure why I feel depressed.  I don’t know if I can be labeled.  Maybe it’s the post-partum blues, or maybe a hormone imbalance or maybe I’m even bipolar.  Heck, I don’t know.  I know I’ve dealt with a lot of ups and downs and a LOT of changes.  That’s hard for a person who thrives on structure and familiarity.  In addition, sadness and hard times have been plentiful, that’s no doubt.  I’ve definitely had my share of things to work through.

But on the flip side, I have SO much to be happy about.  My life is jam-packed with blessings.  Jam.packed!  

So why do I spend so much time with a pinched-up face, in tears?  What usually brings me to tears?

It just so happens to be those blessings.

I feel an enormous amount of pressure as a mom and wife.  I’m also a “pleaser” by nature.  I want to make everyone happy and I want everyone to get along.  For some reason, I feel like it’s my job to make this all happen.  I feel that the duty of creating harmony and happiness for my loved ones is on my shoulders.  When harmony doesn’t exist, which is very frequent:

I feel like I’ve failed. 

I take the blame. 

I try to fix it.

I can’t fix it. 

I get upset.

They see me upset.

They’re disappointed that I’m upset again.

I’m sorry that I’ve disappointed them again.

I’ve failed them again.

I take the blame.

I try to fix it.

I can’t fix it……

That little formula can be plugged into any scenario in my life. 

Not cooking dinner.

Not keeping the house clean enough.

Not organizing things so people can find them when they need them.

Looking like a chubby frump.

Being afraid to give my children freedom.

Being afraid of EVERYTHING

The list goes on and on.

If I were my friend, I think I would clearly see the problem, but it’s different when it’s your life.

Here's the only insight I can offer…

I recently came to a deep understanding.  I was given the opportunity to explore the mind of a person suffering from depression; that mind being my own.  I understand now why people want to run away from this.  The last thing I want to be is unhappy.  I love life and love my family and love to laugh and smile.  I don’t like to be seen as a depressed person.  When I cry out-of-the blue for no reason, I guess I just need to cry.  But I just can’t handle seeing the faces of my family members giving me that “not again” look.  I can’t handle disappointing people with my sadness.  I don’t want it either.  But I need to get through it.  You can’t get through this without feeling your authentic feelings.  You can’t get through this when you’re pretending to be okay just so nobody else has to see you sad again….still.  I need to feel what I need to feel.  I need to cry if I need to cry.  And I need to scream SONOFABITCH if that’s what I need to do!

And so I guess I’ve found the missing answer to that formula above. 

Yeah, perhaps my family needs to feel their authentic feelings too.

I can’t and shouldn’t try to fix everything.  I need to let them feel negative emotions, and mess up and grow.  It’s not my job to create harmony.  I need to release myself from this burden and have a little more faith in our Father.  He’s the “fixer” of all.  He’s the only one who can heal us.

All we can do is love unconditionally.