Joy and Grief

I've witnessed so many people grieving loss lately.  As my heart breaks for them, I can't help but reflect on my own experiences.  I've never opened up about it.  I want to now.  The "joy" in Joy and Grief won't come until the end, which may take a few posts.  I've changed so very much in the past 10 years, but I'm trying to write from my perspective at the time.  When this all began, my faith was in people and things.  I had no truth.  I was lost.

On June 19, 2002, my life took a bit of a turn.  I was 25 years old and facing a type of sorrow I was completely unprepared to face.  I remember that morning clearly.  I was finally starting a new life.  I felt like I'd just reached the shore after treading in stormy waters for at least a few years.  I was at rest.  I could breathe.

The winds really started whipping in 1996.  I was a kid, two years out of high school, lost in space but trying to find my way.  I'd been from my hometown to Yuba City to Redding to Chico to Georgia to Alabama to Utah, back home again, then finally decided to go to our local junior college in Weed.  I was enrolled, going to class sometimes :), playing softball and working at the bowling alley cooking SpaceBurgers!  Enter Jimmy Jackson.

Jimmy was a regular at the bowling alley and a city cop.  He was a total goober, with a laugh that could be heard from miles around!  He was a big giant kid, determined (and destined) to be the life of the party for all eternity!  The man could bowl!  I didn't even know bowling was a sport until I saw him do it!  All those Jackson boys have style!  He had sponsors begging him to take their money and go pro but he was content with the way life was.  I really have no idea how we ended up dating.  It all happened so fast.  All I know is we had a lot of fun acting 20 together - even though he was 29.  :)

We had so much fun we decided to commit our lives to each other.  We instantly thought it was a really great idea to try to have a baby.  ??  That took no time at all.  In June of 1996, I became pregnant.  In August we were married.  In a matter of months I went from being a gypsy, alcoholic, partying, burger-flipping, crazy 20-year-old dingbat to a wife and mother-to-be.  Two days shy of our 3 year anniversary, we had our third daughter.  Talk about growing up quickly!  I was responsible, but far from grown-up.  My communication skills consisted of screaming mean things then stomping off and slamming a door.  His did too.  The only difference, I'd stay mad and fume for days and he'd quickly get happy and go play softball or golf or bowl or darts or scuba dive orrrrrr....

We both worked full-time jobs.  I was a data transmissions processor at a Credit Union and he had a good job at Timber Products.  We never really saw each other.  We worked our butts off.  We made good money.  We had perfect credit.  We had great benefits, retirement plans, savings etc.  We were both horrible communicators.  We were cranky.  We didn't really fight because we didn't care enough to.  The last thing we could deal with was another child, so naturally I got "the shot."  I instantly hated him.  Remember that!  Birth control made me instantly HATE HIM!

From the outside looking in, life seemed great...but it sucked!  Now, that Jimmy Jackson laugh couldn't be heard at all.  It killed me to see who we had both become.  He was such a great guy - such a great daddy.  He didn't deserve to lose his smile...to have his laugh silenced...to be hated.  We both had so much to offer our children but just couldn't offer it.  We didn't have the strength to fight for a marriage that was lacking a real foundation.  Again, we listened to the natural voices of the world and ended our marriage in June 2001.

Looking back I clearly see that I used Jimmy, my daughters, my job - everything in my life - to fill a HUGE void in my heart.  How unfair.  How foolish.  I had so much and I was still so empty.  What's really unfair...I was about to do it again.

Weeks after my marriage to Jimmy ended I reconnected with the man who nobody would ever measure up to.  The man who had a piece of my heart I could never get back.  My first love, JD Dancer.  At that time, unlike Forrest Gump, I had no idea what love really was.  Jay was amazing, but he was my void-filler back in high school, and that was his roll again in 2001.  I.did.not.have.the.capacity.to.love!  But he would quickly become my teacher.

Something about our relationship just felt like home.  No matter what life would throw at us, we knew our relationship was worth fighting for.  And fight we did!!!  Ohhh man did I test that boy!  I told him to hit the road hundreds of times, and hundreds of times he said "no!"  I wasn't used to that!  I warned Jimmy hundreds of times and he didn't listen.  I left him once and he didn't fight.  I should also mention that Jay sorta got the whole abandonment/ doubt-ball rolling when he left me a few times from '92-'95!  What's with this sticking around business that he's doing now?  He said leaving me was his biggest mistake and promised to never do it again.

After months of struggling I began to calm my heart and rebuild my trust in Jay.  We knew were meant to be together from the start.  We stumbled upon our "soul mate" at age 15 and 16 and like dummies we went and messed it up!  But thankfully our hearts were finally home.  We had soooooo far to go, but we were home!

Jimmy was in a different place than I was.  The divorce hit him pretty hard.  Actually, it hit me hard too, but I had happiness and hope where he didn't.  He went through a very rocky season.  There were moments that he despised me and moments that he wanted our marriage back.  Before long we both learned to accept the change and we found the friendship we once shared.  He finally decided to like Jay too.  We agreed on everything.  We worked together  as closely as possible to do what was best for everybody involved.  Jimmy Jackson started to become Jimmy Jackson again!!!  He was my buddy!

June 2002.

Jay and I were married early that year and I was pregnant with our little boy.  We lived in Fort Jones.  The girls were with us during the week and spent every other weekend with Jimmy in Weed.  At that time Hayden lived in Cottonwood and he stayed with us every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer.  I was still working at the Credit Union and Jay was doing construction.  Life was looking up!!

Jimmy got a really great job with Cox & Cox in south county.  He was back in his old social circle with his close family and best friends.  He was back into all his sports, including men's league softball.  His brother-in-law got him into body building and he was training for a competition.  He was happy!  Oh, that laugh!  Last but not least, he met a girl!  He was smitten!  The girls took to her instantly!  They called her mama Sacha.  She had a little boy who was just about to have his first birthday.  Yes, life was good!

June 18, 2002

It was pretty late at night.  I was sleeping when the phone rang.  It was Jimmy's smiling voice that bellowed, "Hey you!  Just want you to know I'm gonna call the girls tomorrow.  Tell 'em I love 'em."  He called because I got on him earlier that day for always forgetting to call, so he cussed at me and hung up.  I was glad to hear his voice and glad to know that he'd be calling the girls the next day.

June 19, 2002

Jay and I were driving to Redding that morning.  There was a news story on the local radio station that ran over and over.  It's the only thing they could talk about.  There was about a tragedy in Mt. Shasta.  A big tragedy in our tiny little peaceful community.  As we were driving through Mt. Shasta my heart was breaking for the families of those involved.  Just before we got to Redding my phone rang.  It was my mom.  She asked me if she could talk to Jay.  Weird?  Ok!  I gave him the phone.

His face.  His voice.  Her voice.  I don't get it.  Something is wrong.  Then he told me.

It was Jimmy.  It was Sacha.

Just moments after I talked to him the night before, he was shot and killed.  He died trying to protect her.  Sacha also lost her life that night.  When Jimmy was talking to me on the phone, there was a man waiting outside with a gun...waiting to kill them.

My baby girls.  One June 19, 2002, I had to tell my three baby girls that they'd never see their daddy again.

It's been over 9 years but writing this down is stirring up emotions I obviously stuffed away.  This is a good time to stop for now.