Dealing with loss, publicly

If I could go back and do it over again….

I’ve had almost ten years to think about this subject.  It took a good majority of that time to figure out what evil I succumbed to that made life so hard.  Well, harder, I should say.  It’s pretty obvious that life stinks badly for a lot of reasons for a long time when you lose somebody close to you.  It’s extremely hard to find your smile.  Smiling and joy can be easily snuffed out by guilt, mourning, grief, anger, questions, answers, fear, sadness, anger, discouragement, depression, secrets, anger, darkness, hiding…ANGER!  There’s a lot to deal with!  Most people dealing with loss find ANY way take the blame.  “There’s something I could’ve done to prevent this!”

Just processing the way your loved one was taken from you can be emotionally brutal!  Whether it’s natural causes, long or sudden illness, accidental, suicide, or like my family’s very public loss…homicide.  There is a huge fear and incredible heartache attached to the means of death.  Wondering how they felt and what they went through.  Then thinking about the future without them…how??  Why?  Wondering how you’ll help others through it.  Trying to be strong.  Trying to keep secrets.  Wanting to know the whole truth.  I could go on and on.  I’m just saying that even with pure unwavering faith in Christ, it’s really hard to smile.

Then the time comes that you begin to sort out your mind, to deal with reality and hold your head up a tiny bit.  You gain strength to quit going downhill.  You have people upon people upon people come out of the woodwork, vowing to be there for you.  People who say they’re grieving with you and for you.  People who keep telling you "it’s gonna be ok…don’t cry…I can’t stand to see you hurt…you’re so strong…you can do this!"  But it hurts!  You want to cry!  You want to break down.  Sometimes you just want to feel the hurt.  Eventually you decide to protect....people.  You should be strong for them so they don't have to see you sad.

SO, the moment comes…

The moment you decide to finally step out into the world and

SMILE!

What happens?  What new process does this begin?  More healing, right?

NOPE

It begins a whole new process of pain and anger!  Why?  

All those people start to talk!  They talk about what your smile means!

“She's over it....I bet she wanted it to happen…she’s glad to move on….I bet she got a lot of money... money money money….I bet it’s her fault….it IS her fault….she probably planned it….ooohhh, who’s that new person in her life….blah blah blah.  It gets really bad when people come up to you and talk about the details of your tragedy in a nonchalant, insensitive way. 

In reality, “the world” doesn’t realllllly want to see you smile.

That’s where I messed up.  I felt so horrible about everything anyway, I listened to all those voices.  I let those PEOPLE convince me that it was my fault!  That I had NO right to be happy or to smile!  I actually had one person flat-out tell me it was my fault!  I listened.  I stopped smiling.  I walked around deflated!  I was afraid.  I couldn’t deal with people thinking I was happy about this loss.  I was soooo NOT happy.  I was devastated! 

Recently I’ve seen a few people I’m acquainted with suffer incredible loss.  Debilitating, devastating loss.  To add more heartache to what they already deal with each moment, this “people” B.S. is starting!  Honestly, it makes me wanna start throwing punches.  But I won't.  I support them silently because I fear adding to their "people" stress.  I pray.  If I could have one little prayer answered, it would be that they hold up their heads and SMILE no matter what anybody says.  Or cry when they need to, no matter what anybody says!  No matter what rumors circulate or what people think.  The Lord knows their hearts and He knows their hurts…pure joy and a genuine smile never need to be justified for the sake of PEOPLE!

P.S.  THANK GOD for true friends!